sad

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Yep, this is me.

Not sure what I should and actually do feel and this issue has for a change nothing to do with physical feeling. It seems that not only my body is numb, but also my feelings.
I felt emptiness and sadness coming up over the past days as I am trying to get back to my old life but it’s just not possible at the moment and I am so scared it won’t change.
An hour outside at the Sunday Market was already too much for me, I fell asleep the moment I arrived home and am still exhausted.
What if it stays like this?
What happens to my career, friendships, fun times – LIFE in general?
I am so so angry, just want to throw my phone against the wall and destroy my place. Would love to run it off like I used to – but how if I can hardly make it down the stairs?!?! I don’t like this MS body I am stuck with and miss my energy, can hardly remember how it was when I felt normal ๐Ÿ˜ฆ
I guess I am grieving and unfortunately I cannot run away this time…
Let’s hope tomorrow will be a better day – I keep on trying but maybe I should just allow myself some self pity and grieving time, close all curtains and hang out inside for a couple of days…

4 thoughts on “sad

  1. Of course you should allow yourself some grieving time and not only for a couple of days once, but regularly when it gets too much. It is a human reaction! Your life has changed and it is not a glossy for sure and lately it is really frustrating and angrying but….you are alive! (and pretty and intelligent and surrounded with friends)…. Chin up Super(em)power(ed)Anja! xXx

  2. Dear Anja, well I just know how are you feeling now. It’s very difficult to live with a chronicle condition like yours. This is the worst moment in your life: discovering that you are not the same, that your body has changed dramatically, but keep this in mind: with the right medications, nutrition and resting, you are going to be better than know. Probably you are going to learn living in a different way because of this condition and that it’s going to be hard and implies a lot of suffering, but there will be moments when you will be thankful of being alive and to have your family and friends around and to live in a simpler way enjoying the little things of life. Patient, be patient, don’t get desperate, this is just a moment of frustration. Life goes on. ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. Your plan for some time to yourself is great, but, not too long. Get up, do your best to get back out into the world and be around people. It’s surprising how reassuring and purgative being around other people can be. The map you once had has changed – when you feel ready, create a new map and chart Anja 2.0. My father had MS. He drunk himself to an early grave. An old girlfriend of mine, her mother has MS. She’s one of the loveliest ladies I’ve ever met and I didn’t even know she had MS for quite some time. How you respond will be your defining moment.

    1. Thank you Steven! I am sorry to hear about your dad ๐Ÿ˜ฆ On my way to develop an Anja 2.0. version, well, it’s actually already 3.0. but isn’tlife in general a constant change? I believe everything happens for a reason and that this diagnosis is a chance for me to change. Regards from Amsterdam! Anja

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